As the NFL season approaches, fantasy football leagues are everywhere. While many aspiring team owners dream of fantasy glory, others are more concerned with not finishing in last. Winners reap the rewards, but in fantasy football, losers get punished.
During the course of an 18-week season, some team owners lose interest and fail to keep up with setting their weekly lineups, which threatens the integrity of the season. As a solution, many leagues create a unique punishment for the team owner that finishes in last place.
The first fantasy football league was created in 1962. Every year, the winning team receives either cash or prizes. Though winning a league brings bragging rights and some financial gain, there has been little to deter teams from giving up when there is time left in the game. More recently, some leagues have implemented punishments to make sure everyone, especially the team in dead last, stays active to avoid the potential embarrassment.
In a previous season, a loser had to retake the ACT as an adult. Last year, Joey Crain ‘24 finished last and had to carry around a different “backpack” to school every day which featured a guitar case, a wagon and a green City of Houston recycling bin. This year, a group of juniors will make the loser of their league book a reservation at a fancy restaraunt in which their “date” will be an anime body pillow.
So, as a public service for fantasy football leagues which are beginning this week, the Review Online presents our suggestions for punishments that will incentivize league members to stay active throughout the long season and avoid finishing in the cellar.
1. Milk Mile
Every December, the cross-country team hosts a Milk Mile, in which runners drink a cup of milk after each lap. Why not take inspiration for your league’s punishment? Everyone can sit back and watch as the loser hurls and suffers from excruciating cramps.
2. Expired Condiment Pool
Have the loser sit in the middle of a kiddie pool while the other competitors bring out expired condiments and dump the contents all over.
3. Water Balloons
Getting hit by a water balloon leaves a wet mark that quickly dries up on a hot summer day, but one balloon is not enough punishment. Instead, have the loser face a wall while the rest of the league forms a water balloon firing squad. To make this punishment sting even more, plan this event on a cold winter day.
4. Shave Eyebrows
Unless your name is Doja Cat, not many people willingly shave their eyebrows. This punishment will certainly encourage members to keep an eye out for waiver wire pickups to improve their team.
5. Public Leg Waxing
In The 40-Year Old Virgin, Steve Carell famously has his chest hair waxed. To keep this punishment age-appropriate, place the wax strips onto the loser’s legs and rip them off. Make sure to relish both the relief of not being waxed and the amusement of the moment.
